In a twist that would make Kafka chuckle, President Trump has appointed the world’s wealthiest man to hunt down government waste, marking the first time someone has brought their child to work on day one of fighting bureaucratic excess.
Picture this: The Oval Office, Tuesday afternoon. Elon Musk, sporting a black MAGA hat that probably cost more than a government worker’s monthly salary, stands beside Trump while one of his eleven children plays “federal inspector” under the Resolute Desk. The scene perfectly captures the spirit of their new anti-waste initiative, DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency Service) – because nothing says “fiscal responsibility” quite like a billionaire with a private rocket company overseeing government spending.
“We’re going to find all the waste,” declared Trump, while Musk nodded vigorously, temporarily distracted from posting memes about government condom spending. “We found a guy – tremendous guy, really tremendous – who got paid for 20 years for three months of work. Can’t tell you who, can’t tell you where, can’t tell you when, but trust me, it’s true.”
Musk, taking a break from his day jobs running Tesla, SpaceX, and his social media empire, explained his unique qualification for rooting out government excess: “I’m really good at finding waste. Just look at my Twitter purchase.”
The dynamic duo revealed their groundbreaking strategy for identifying corrupt federal employees: checking their bank accounts. “If a government worker has millions in their account, that’s suspicious,” Musk explained, apparently forgetting his own net worth could fund several small nations. “Unless they’re a special government employee like me, in which case it’s totally fine.”
When asked about potential conflicts of interest regarding SpaceX’s $3.8 billion in federal contracts, Musk assured reporters that he personally doesn’t file the contracts – his employees do. “It’s completely different,” he explained, while his child presumably drew up plans for the next federal budget under the desk.
The announcement was briefly interrupted when Musk had to post a rocket emoji on social media, but he quickly returned to his governmental duties of revolutionizing federal efficiency while simultaneously running multiple private companies, raising 11 children, and maintaining his status as the world’s most active shitposter.
As the briefing concluded, Trump signed an executive order giving DOGE more power, though nobody could confirm if it was actually signed because, much like government waste, the signing happened out of public view. Meanwhile, 52 lawsuits were filed in the time it took you to read this article.
When asked for comment, a federal employee who wished to remain anonymous simply sighed and went back to filling out forms in triplicate, as is tradition.
Remember folks, in a world where billionaires oversee government spending cuts while running companies that receive government contracts, reality has become indistinguishable from satire. And that’s no joke.